My boss, Johnny, recently announced my pregnancy to our 40+ person marketing department with an e-mail titled, "Is it me, or has Tania gotten fat?" Before you get all riled up and offer to sue for harrassment on my behalf, you should know that Johnny is known for his witty gay humor, and I found the e-mail hilarious (I told him to have fun with his announcement). It will make a unique page in our baby's future scrapbook!
I've cut and pasted here for your reading pleasure:
Now you know I'm not critical or judgmental when it comes to all things aesthetically pleasing. I love everyone equally. Unless of course they're ugly. So far be it for me to pass harsh judgment on one of my colleagues who appears to be grabbing one too many bagels at the breakfast cart every morning lately...if you catch my drift. But everyone knows that I place a very high standard on our department (because hi, we are a service department) to represent Marketing & Communications with poise, elegance, and above all - stunning beauty. We aren't savages, after all - and we can't have our internal or external clients thinking we're gluttonous couch potatoes who eat solid food.
So I've been noticing that Tania has been getting rather portly of late. This was particularly distressing for me considering I really only hired her because she proudly sashays in a perfectly proportioned size 1. The fact that she turned out to be brilliant and exceptionally good at her job was really just an unexpected (and unnecessary if you ask me) bonus. So to see her teetering on the edge of a size 2, I felt it necessary to have a serious and candid conversation about her eating habits lately - the main issue being, she's eating.
I know. I was shocked too.
So I sat her down and said, "Tania, I love you, but you're turning into a giant beluga whale, and its making me look bad." Then I fashioned a look of true concern (that I practiced in the mirror for an hour before hand).
She was, for good reason, moved. Moved that I was genuinely concerned for her wellbeing - and she began to cry...at which point I ordered her to stop, because while I wholeheartedly support having emotions, it is an unnecessary consequence to tear up and cause unsightly puffiness around the eyes.
So she stopped. And then she told me, "I'm pregnant".
Well thank goodness for that, I thought. If one MUST eat solid food, it should be for a good reason...and I can't think of a better one than in order to support the full development of a new life.
So please join me in congratulating Tania and her husband, Jason as they begin their exciting journey toward minivans and diaper duty. I cannot think of two people more suited to be parents. If it weren't for those damn child labor laws, I would most certainly hire her offspring in a management position shortly after birth. Due on Thanksgiving, the Masherah clan will have a little something to be thankful for this year.
So it appears that yes, there really IS something in the water. Thank goodness I only drink Vodka...
Congratulations Tania!
4 comments:
If he says that now, just think of his comments once baby Jania is born.
[Ja(son) + (Ta)nia] = Jania
I just came up with that - what do you think?
Ha! I can see it now. "Hi I'm Tania, and this is my daughter Jania..." If it's a boy, should we name him Tason?
That cracked me up. I had to call two of my co-workers over and read it to them! So funny.
That may be one of the funniest announcements I've ever read. Although..I think it's only funny when the recipient is model sized (like you)...I might have cried myself to sleep if it was sent about me (who is PLUS model sized;) )
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