This past Friday was our big move day, and the movers were scheduled to arrive at 8 a.m. Shortly beforehand I dropped Isabelle off at daycare so she'd be out of the way, and when I was on my way back home I got a call from my dad letting me know that my 88-year-old grandma, Edith, had passed away earlier in the morning.
In addition to having full-blown Alzheimers, my grandma had a stroke in July that really took a toll on her already declining health. We figured it was a matter of time before she passed, but we didn't know how long - until she stopped eating last week and it was clear she was on her way out of this world.
There is no such thing as "good timing" when you lose a family member, but in this case it just seemed like forces in the universe were playing a joke on me. We had movers scheduled to arrive within 30 minutes of that phone call, and for the next 8-9 hours were committed to making sure everything got packed up at the old place and moved over to the new place. Then we were faced with having to deep clean the old apartment, which we knew would take probably a good 12 hours between the two of us, while trying to unpack at our new house--all while taking care of Isabelle.
I spent all of Friday and Saturday wrestling with the following: Could I possibly get a reasonably-priced ticket to the U.P. on such short notice (I might as well be trying to get to Antarctica) and realistically leave Jason home by himself to manage closing down the old house, getting settled into the new house, and the child care responsibilities, all while having to report to work on Monday - because there is no way I could travel by myself with Isabelle while six months pregnant and trying to carry both her and our combined luggage.
We figured we could make it work only if I took a red-eye to Michigan late Sunday night, arriving Monday morning, attending the funeral Tuesday morning, and leaving first thing Wednesday morning--home just in time for me to meet our landlord for the final walk-through and inspection at the old house. In the end I stared at the towering labyrinth of boxes that are scattered all over our new house and thought, "Where is my suitcase? Where are all of my clothes? Is there any way I can make this work?"
Finally, after getting calls from my dad and siblings telling me I shouldn't try to make it home with so much on my plate, I made the very hard decision to stay in San Diego instead of flying home for the funeral service. It's probably not a decision many people would agree with, but given the dynamics of the situation I felt like I had to do what was best for me and my immediate family here in California.
Regardless of whether I am physically at her funeral I will still grieve, and to be honest I feel like I lost my grandma a long time ago - when I visited her in the fall of 2009, she recognized me but not much else -- we had the same conversation every 10 minutes, as the Alzheimers caused her brain to just loop with the same questions over and over.
And this morning, even though I still feel some guilt over my decision, in hindsight I know that going home would have really made things challenging here. On Saturday while I cared for Isabelle and tried to get our most-needed items unpacked, Jason cleaned the old apartment from 10:30 a.m. - 6:30 p.m., and then yesterday we switched; I spent another five hours cleaning while he watched Isabelle. We had no choice but to put in the manual labor as we need to recoup every dime of our security deposit - hiring a cleaning service just isn't in our budget.
I was supposed to be back to work this morning but decided to take an extra day off to try and make more of a dent in our unpacking, and to deal with a few things like calling a repairman for the broken garbage disposal and figuring out where in limbo our mail is.
If you'd like to read more about my grandma, her obituary is online with the Ishpeming funeral home.
2 comments:
I'm so sorry for your loss, Tania. I can relate to your feeling as though you lost your grandma a while ago. My great grandmother had Alzheimers and I was too young to understand at the time. All I knew was this woman that I adored suddenly looked at me like I was a stranger. I know you struggled with whether to attend your grandma's funeral, but don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like your family supports your decision and you don't need to justify your decision to anyone else. You're a good-hearted person and just because you're not physically in attendance does not mean you are not there in spirit. Take comfort in knowing that your grandma is in a better place now and that she knows how much she meant to you.
It was a hard decision to make but it sounds like you made the right one for your family. I know grandma K would support your decision. Hugs!
Anne
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